Howdy all!If anybody figures out who I really am, I really do hope you have the decency to respect my desires for anonymity, please.
I really am nobody special, just another human being like you, I'm only locally famous, in fact I doubt I'm even remembered it's been so long.
This will make some of y'all really happy (to see me go away), others not so much, and most of this, many of you won't want to read so buzz off ... But all are welcome to read my morphine induced babbling ...
It is informative of my situation and why I joined this site in the first place and a bit about who I am.
It's no pity party so don't go sending a bunch of -- I'm Sorry's --, I don't want to hear them ... It is, what it is, we all die sooner or later!
Talking about it also helps me deal with it, if you want to talk about it, go for it, I'm ok with it, heck some of y'all might say something comforting and or helpful, but I understand, mortality is a difficult topic.
But we all get there sooner or later.
And I'm not the first person to die fully aware of that fact ... ATM I feel like a million bux, I have not felt this good in many a year! I'm not in pain, my stomach is not upset, I can actually eat real food and not puke it back up, I could keep on going down the list.
I swear could go dig the car out (Yup still have it race ready, it was just put away for the offseason that our house burnt and has never been taken back out), make a run through the setup, nut and bolt it, take it out and blow the field away just as it did the last time it was out, unfortunately, I know it's a Steroid (Dexamethasone) and Morphine (Herion) induced dream for I couldn't even uncover it ATM let alone run through the setup on it, not to mention the 19 year old tires would chunk apart just before I hit the wall diving into turn one at 100MPH!
I don't want to be treated or remembered different ... I'm still the same asshole, and I will continue to be the same asshole beyond my last breath! The worms are going to hate (or like) me as much as you do!
I've lived a good life and done well for my family!
Including a son with kids I didn't know I even had from a relationship that should not have happened ... Yes, meaning I cheated on my Ol'lady resulting in a son, that son married (a wonderful woman) and fathered three kids, thus I have 3 more grandchildren then I thought, WhooHoo! Which by the way he is 1 year and 1 day younger than our son making him the youngest at 34 years old, our son is 35, our daughter is 39,
Yup, my Ol'lady being the incredible woman she is has taken it in stride and welcomed them with open loving arms ... Unequivocal proof I made the right choice selecting her 40 plus years ago (Aug 28, 1983-2023)! She even told them she is Gammy!
What a woman!
We met them for the first time over the last 4-day Labor Day weekend, and they are planning on coming back on the 20th to stay longer, possibly until I pass or even longer, they are WONDERFUL people, I love them all, especially the kids (grand babies) and I cannot wait to see them again. The unfortunate side is he (they all) have missed out on an incredible different life (and possibly better life, for his mother's side is lacking in stability among other issues).
So, what's all this babble about ... I have emphysema and my time is up, I've been on hospice for a while, they upped their game on me a couple of weeks ago to their highest level of support.
Yes, I do have other health issues that took me out of living life a long time ago, I also have an Autoimmune disease that was slowly doing the same job, taking longer and really making life miserable, however the emphysema has taken control and is what I am at the mercy of ... The Autoimmune disease is most likely the result of A triple F (AFFF) firefighting foam!
For you that don't know, in order to qualify for hospice there must be at least two doctors that will certify that the patient has less then 6 months to live, I've actually been on hospice longer than that already, they tell me I'm difficult to judge because I have a really strong heart, I have been stress tested 3 times and all three times they were unable to get any signs of failure whatsoever, they say that is unusual for those in my condition at my age.
What is emphysema, obviously Google is the place for details, a quick summary is, emphysema causes the inability to exhale Co2, so emphysema patients have a buildup of Co2, any and all muscle activity (plus some other things) adds to it (for example breathing, uses muscles), also without the ability to get the Co2 out, there is no room for oxygen inhalation. So, it is a battle between them for lung space.
Think about the Co2 retention this way, many people have committed suicide by breathing in their old school cars Co2 laden exhaust!
COVID (or even the flu) is a death sentence, so I have been in isolation since COVID hit, I live in my own space separate from the rest of the house, that was fine while I was still able to do for myself, like get to the restroom, get my own snacks, drinks, etc..., unfortunately that has changed, I am no longer strong enough to wheel myself to the restroom (I'm in a wheelchair), or to stand up without assistance so my family decided that I needed to be moved into the house where they could assist me easier so they rearranged our formal dining room into a place for my remaining days, there is a bathroom right around the corner and down the hall a short distance, plus it is centrally located where all can keep an eye on me easier ... Yes, it's risky, but at this stage it really doesn't matter, and we all want to be closer together.
That is why I have been offline for the last couple of weeks, I was unable to get to my computers ... That has changed obviously, and I'll explain and do a show and tell about what my eldest son and his wife did for me, it's pretty damn cool!
I was first diagnosed in 2015, I was diagnosed deep into stage 4 (some call it End Stage) with a FEV1/FVC score of 24% (That is the FEV1 score divided by the FVC score) (don't know what that means, a Google for ya!: FEV1/FVC Score), at that point it became about quality of life for longevity is no longer an option, last test was in 2018 and I was at 18%, no more testing has been done or will be done, I get pretty much whatever I ask for medically speaking, for example, I have an unlimited supply of Morphine, Oxygen and Steroids I can take as I like, pretty much no limits, along with any of the rest of the drugs I take, and they have a plethora of them here I don't take, but they say I should have on hand. I no longer go to doctors, we either Telehealth or Zoom, and they use a proxy nurse, 911 is not an option (except for normal stuff, I fall, etc...), they are required to support life, I (or whomever is on watch) calls my hospice provider and they handle the rest, including calling EMT's if necessary ... I do have a signed DNR on display, my provider has a signed DNR on file.
How I got into this situation, I'm a racer and I am willing to dance with the devil to stay a bumper ahead of the competition but I will NOT CHEAT PERIOD! and I WILL NOT USE MY BUMPER PERIOD!, to me cheating soils the win, I am also the one that chose to do the shit I have done, I am the one that stood over (breathing with no respirator) some really nasty shit in my life, and I do mean some really nasty shit! I am the one whom chose to paint uncountable numbers of race cars/chassis/cages/etc... even a few cars, pickups and semi-trucks without respirator, most of the time. My last race car chassis was the most brilliant green developed at the time, it was a fresh new brilliance developed just for me! Grave Digger Green was dull compared to mine, so is Articat Green. This was over 20 years ago, today there are brilliant greens far superior to mine!
My point is the last time I painted its chassis I came out of the clear plastic temporary paint booth (that looked alien at night with a low light on inside, the chassis setting on stands, over spray everywhere all in a green glowing hue) with the inside of my nostrils bright green, my teeth, hair, etc...
Y'all get the point!
And to top that, I was also smoker, I started smoking at 9, full time at 11 when I got my first job as a heavy equipment mechanic for the local rich guy (my first mentor) that owned a machine shop. What an awesome and extremely intelligent man he was, still to this day I have yet to meet another human being of his quality! And I do look HARD!
He was a very special human being, and everyone that knows him says that, not just me ...
Now you wonder why I am telling you all this, it is because that is exactly why I joined this place in 2018, it's something I like to do (programming), I know old school Automotive, not new school computerized Automobiles, I needed something to do that was not physical to keep my mind active and not dwelling on the fact that I can no longer do anything I LOVE to do, my passions ... Like Racing, Fabrication and Machining, Welding, Fixing things, things I have done since I was 4 years old when I set my first roots blower down on top of a 283SBC in front of a Powerglide in a 1944 Dodge Power Wagon Weapons Carrier that we used for a ranch truck, it had side tool boxes, a weapons lift (One of them WWII hand crank units that attached to the bomb rack to lift bombs into the bomb rack) so we could lift heavy stuff in to and out of it while out in the fields (Woods). Our closest neighbor was 3 miles away at the end of our driveway, yes, I was raised off grid until I was 19, we had a D4 Cat engine turning a 10kw generator to supply the ranch power, we didn't have a phone until I was around 14 when dad and I dug 4 3/10 miles of ditch to bury phone lines in.
In 1982/3 I got into computers by accident, I was tasked with cleaning up the parts inventory for the V2 Division aboard the USS Constellation CV-64, that is when I met my second mentor, my computer mentor, and I got the programming bug, my second mentor taught me a shipload of AWESOME rules to follow that have never let me down while working with computers, programming mostly, that is what he did, in fact his rules have credited me with hundreds and hundreds of one off bug fixes (by not using hex values for Counts and Indexes) after I got out of the USN, I tried to become a computer programmer, starved for years, the wife, kids and I were tired of starving due to my poor math skills, one really does need good math skills (I can barely do 1+1 in my head) to code professionally, so I jumped ship and went back to what I know and liked, fabrication and machining, I had already been a heavy equipment machinic for 10 years earlier in life, was very successful but hated (love hate) it because broken heavy equipment is usually hanging on the side of a mountain either freezing ass cold, fry pan hot with foot deep powder dust or wet and muddy!
Well, the return to fabrication and machining (job shop as we called it, because we did a lot of things including silk screening and computer repair, sheet metal, various plastic's molding, injection, rotary, etc...) did us really well, I also kept on with computers, slowly the backlog of computer work pushed me into opening a computer sales and repair business, it just kept growing, and growing, I was now full time into the computer biz, then that lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) Monday morning ring happened when you answer the phone and it's a very well-known very large corporation needing help ASAP! That job took 14 years and a cross country move to complete ...
Then our house burns December 26, 2004 @9:21PM, I was having medical issues that were affecting my ability to work reliably, I was letting more and more customers down, so I sold the computer business, and I rebuilt our new house!
I am one of them hyperactive individuals, I go full tilt all the time, even now today, my new nurse made comment on that just yesterday, he sure moves quick doesn't he she remarked to my wife, my wife snickered and replied, "he doesn't slow down, ever, I've been trying for years".
In my lifetime I have found very few people that can keep up with me in whatever I am doing, I physically move extremely fast, I am one of those people that can catch your dollar every time, I have incredible reflexes, I rarely ever drop anything and have it hit the floor, even if someone next to me drops something it won't hit the floor typically.
I talk faster than most people can listen (why I won't have a conversation on a phone or over VoIP), I am constantly being asked to slow down so they can understand what I'm saying or doing.
The purpose of all this gibberish is simply the following ...
This place and the folks on it (those of you that have tolerated my presence) have been an incredible source to keep my mind active while my body rots away from under me ...
I know it doesn't seem like it here recently, but Antus has been one of the best, he is what I consider an internet friend, not just an internet acquaintance as I do most, and I can count my internet friends on one finger! I do respect him immensely. I know it seems odd that I become an asshole to those I respect, I care for or like, but you have to understand it from my point of view, I would not waste my time on those I don't care for or respect ... I do like and respect him, that is why I do what I do.
But just because I'm an asshole to you, doesn't mean I like you, in fact it's typically the opposite.
So, to wrap this up I really want to thank each and every one of you (like me or not) for being here and working in the Spirit of the Community, I despise those that take their skills to the grave like the generation before me did.
That is why I offer up unsolicited thoughts, ideas and opinions, it's not because I think I'm better, or I know more, I don't, I'm just another human being just like you.
It's been a great ride with some of y'all ... Wish we could keep it up, but I cannot, it's getting really tough to keep fighting for each breath, the more I have to fight, the more Morphine I have to take, the more Morphine I have to take the deeper I get into this Morphine induced stupor!
I pray it goes quick for you, when it's your time and doesn't drag on and on as it has for me all the while knowing it's coming sooner than later and preventing you from living life as it has for me ...
I'm done, I no longer can do it, I'm out of here for the most part, I'm going to push my final beta that works good for all C Kernel supported PCM's plus the P08 & E54 but is on a knife edge on the typical AMD and Intel 512k P04.
Thank you all for being who you are and doing what you do, it has been a real pleasure knowing EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU and watching what you do!
I don't think I could have picked a better place to spend my remaining days ... Thank you all!
-Enjoy
