The joke thread

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Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:07 pm

The joke thread

Postby XR Pilot » Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:42 pm

Well every forum has got to have one in OT, so I may as well kick this one off :lol: I've got a lot more saved for later.

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A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots
a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently
breaks wind.

(Hate when that happens.) Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little
accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare
materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind
her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism,
the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How
may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping
that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her
little 'accident' she asks: 'Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to shit when I tell you the price.

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A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'

The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

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Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:07 pm

Re: The joke thread

Postby XR Pilot » Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:48 pm

Frank walks into his favourite bar, with his pet monkey, sits down orders a beer, the monkey takes off running around the pub.

He runs to a table grabs a salt and pepper shaker and eats it, runs over to the bar finds the peanuts, he them, and then proceeds to run over to the pool table grab a pool ball and swallow it...

The bartender comes over to frank ad says " mate did you see what your monkey just did"

Frank replies " sorry i didnt"

The bartender explains that the monkey ate his salt and pepper shaker all of his peanuts then ate the pool ball

Frank offer to pay for all the damages then leaves with his monkey

2 days later frank is back with his monkey. Frank sits down and orders a beer, once again the monkey takes off...

He grabs a a cherry from a plate, puts it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.

Then he grabs a beer bottle cap puts it up his bum then eats it...

The bartender seeing this, rushes over to frnak and says " mate your monkey is running around putting things up his ass then pulling them out and eating them", "whats going on?"

Frank replies " well after he had to pass that pool ball he is checking for size
______________________________________________________________________

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a
disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the
bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy
odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if
he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I
didnt know we had a choice!'

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks
'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing
plane!!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how
the girls are getting on'

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled &
says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by
the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in
common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch
your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison
service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in
his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it
in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see
myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of
you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but
beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the
neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks
'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets
see how they like it!'

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An Irishman is sh@gging a Jewish girl & says
'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a
Paddy!'

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows
have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt
even know they had mobile phones!'

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby
cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was
152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy
drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the
boat & shouts 'Its thick t**ts like you that give us
Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
f**k out of you if I could swim!'

:mrgreen:

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