Frank walks into his favourite bar, with his pet monkey, sits down orders a beer, the monkey takes off running around the pub.
He runs to a table grabs a salt and pepper shaker and eats it, runs over to the bar finds the peanuts, he them, and then proceeds to run over to the pool table grab a pool ball and swallow it...
The bartender comes over to frank ad says " mate did you see what your monkey just did"
Frank replies " sorry i didnt"
The bartender explains that the monkey ate his salt and pepper shaker all of his peanuts then ate the pool ball
Frank offer to pay for all the damages then leaves with his monkey
2 days later frank is back with his monkey. Frank sits down and orders a beer, once again the monkey takes off...
He grabs a a cherry from a plate, puts it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.
Then he grabs a beer bottle cap puts it up his bum then eats it...
The bartender seeing this, rushes over to frnak and says " mate your monkey is running around putting things up his ass then pulling them out and eating them", "whats going on?"
Frank replies " well after he had to pass that pool ball he is checking for size
______________________________________________________________________
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a
disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the
bus!!
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy
odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if
he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I
didnt know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks
'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing
plane!!'
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how
the girls are getting on'
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled &
says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by
the looks of it!'
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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in
common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch
your arse if you get a dodgy one!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison
service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in
his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it
in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see
myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of
you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but
beauty is only a light switch away!
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the
neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks
'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets
see how they like it!'
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An Irishman is sh@gging a Jewish girl & says
'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a
Paddy!'
----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows
have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt
even know they had mobile phones!'
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby
cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was
152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy
drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the
boat & shouts 'Its thick t**ts like you that give us
Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
f**k out of you if I could swim!'
I've got a lot more saved for later.
